A Dangerous Level of Assertiveness

Let me be clear. Assertiveness does not mean being aggressive. Assertiveness is the ability to be self-assured and confident when speaking on behalf of your rights and desires while also maintaining a calm and positive demeanor.

Assertive people take the guesswork out of the equation. Think about how annoying it is when someone doesn’t know what they want. Let’s use deciding what to have for dinner for example. How incredibly frustrating is it when either you, your spouse, or another party of the group can’t decide on what to eat for dinner? Would you say it’s annoying when they can’t decide on what they want? Of course, they are uncertain of what their desires are and it pisses you off, right?

Assertiveness is knowing what you want and f#&ing asking for it.

The great part is that each time you use even a little assertiveness, yes you gain more assertiveness but also others around you desire, even demand, more of it. Becoming assertive gets easier the more often it is used. Who doesn’t appreciate someone that knows what they want? Who doesn’t want some certainty in their lives?

It is important to state that becoming assertive does not materialize immediately. Like anything important, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a muscle that must get exercised. Static and it shrinks.

“Every interaction is a power struggle between the more assertive and those that aren’t.”

When you don’t state exactly what you want, then someone else will decide for you. Every interaction is a power struggle between the assertive and the passive. Not that people are inherently mean or dominant, but it’s a more efficient way to operate in this world. This happens all of the time at work, at home, with friends, and even with strangers on the street.

Imagine if every driver in Los Angeles was passive and uncertain while driving on the freeway. Do you think LA traffic sucks now? That’s right, it would be even more of a mess! Driving in Southern Cali demands a high level of assertiveness (at least while behind the steering wheel). If someone cuts you off or passes you, it’s not personal, it’s business.

“A person’s success in life can usually be measured by the number of uncomfortable conversations he or she is willing to have.”― Timothy Ferriss

The inability to have uncomfortable conversations is, most often, the primary reason one fails to get what they want out of life. Think about it, that’s what assertiveness is, an uncomfortable conversation. How are you supposed to find a wife if you can’t ask her out on a first date? How can you ensure your children are getting the education they need if their teacher doesn’t know what your expectations or concerns are? How can a coach form a winning baseball team if you can’t tell the players that their performance is subpar? A quality life takes having the cajones to be uncomfortable when necessary and speaking frankly often.

Here are a few examples of assertive statements:

• “I respect your decision, but I don’t agree and this is why.”
• “I feel like you’re not committed to your job”
• “What I need from you is….”
• “So what you’re saying is….”
• “I would appreciate it if you ….”
• “Tell me if I’m wrong but I don’t feel like….”
• “What can you do for me?”

Some important aspects of being dangerous:

Addressing issues head-on, asking for what you want, speaking with both honesty and clarity, and most of all, worrying a lot less about what others think of you.

Now, this doesn’t mean it’s okay to be rude, intimidating, or mean. No one likes a demanding, aggressive, half-wit yank. It does mean, however, that you stop beating around the bush. If you want a specific outcome then state exactly what actions you need to happen and clear reasons why they need to happen.

Oftentimes, people choose passive aggressiveness or passiveness, instead of courageously communicating their actual desires or needs. Then they dare to wonder why they’re so unhappy AND don’t have what they want out of life.

Assertiveness is the willingness to be bold. Boldness requires you to have courage. Maybe the other person will get offended? Maybe they will take it personally? They might even hate you and punch you in the face. Probably not but you’re just going to have to take that risk. (By the way, a punch to the face isn’t that bad. You feel it most later, after your adrenaline wears off.)

Will, you always be successful while utilizing assertive communication, most likely not, but it doesn’t matter. The point is that you’re willing to take the risk necessary to speak clearly about your wants, expectations, and needs. Your propensity to be assertive and its effectiveness will increase the more often you challenge yourself.

Assertiveness is a prerequisite for being dangerous. Learn it. Master it.

Action Item — Pick one of these challenges

1. Ask your boss for a raise. (Worse that can happen is they say no. Don’t make it a joke. Say something like “Boss, what is the possibility of me getting a raise?” Then state the reasons why you think it is a completely reasonable request.)
2. Ask for a discount the next time you buy a coffee. (Ask for the nice guy/nice girl discount. Don’t immediately laugh it off. With a smile, tell them you’re serious and force them to say no or that they can’t do that. You never know what might happen?)
3. When both you and your significant other are in a good mood, tell them how you feel about a specific thing they do that bothers you. “I have to tell you, it bothers me when you…..”
4. Honk your horn. My wife hates it but I love honking at people driving foolishly or slowly and sometimes I honk just for no reason at all.

I’d love to hear what happens during this challenge. DM @firstthepain on Twitter what challenge you accepted and the outcome.

Read more about Assertiveness here.